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Title: The Day Fanfic Turned Jared and Jensen Gay and Totally Ruined Their Lives Forever
Author: [livejournal.com profile] hanncoll
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Warnings: RPS, tongue firmly in cheek.
Disclaimer: Fiction. Made it all up. None of it is true. Well, except that Jared and Jensen are indeed from Texas; that part is true. Everything else is NOT REAL.
Comments: Humor. Crack. Spoof regarding wank about fanfic. It's [livejournal.com profile] keepaofthecheez's fault.
Summary: Jared and Jensen find out about fanfic, and tragedy ensues.



Jared looked up from his computer. "Jensen, come here." His manly voice trembled with barely-controlled anger.

"What is it?" Jensen said, swaggering his Texas swagger as he walked over to his platonic friend.

"They're..." Jared swallowed hard, his face turning red. "They're writing things. Like, really bad things. About..." His face turned redder and Jared struggled to find his voice again.

Jensen had never seen his friend -- whom he had totally never looked at as anything more than a friend who was a guy -- so upset. "What is it?"

"They're writing things. The fans, I mean."

Jensen squinted manfully as he sat down far enough from Jared so their knees did not touch. Because he never touched Jared. Because Jared was another man, and that was just gross. "Calm down, pal. It can't be that bad. You always overreact." He started reading what was on the screen. Within a minute, he was on his feet and swaggering quickly to the bathroom to vomit.

Jared put his head in his hands and tried to get himself under control. "I tried to tell you, but it was just so bad..."

Jensen swaggered back in the room, looking green around the gills. But still very manly. "I can't believe they wrote that kind of garbage!" he shouted. "They said I touched you, and not even the very platonic way that men who are JUST FRIENDS touch. They said I touched your man-parts!" He had to swagger back to the bathroom to throw up again. When he swaggered back, he found Jared pacing the floor, also swaggering.

"Don't they know we're from Texas?" Jared yelled angrily. "Don't they know we're totally and completely straight? I want to punch them!" He shouted.

"Calm down, chum," Jensen said. "It won't do any good to punch them. There are too many of them, and not all of them live in Vancouver."

Jared sat down suddenly. "Oh God, oh God," he moaned.

"What is it?" Jensen ran over to him and put his hand on Jared's shoulder. Just to comfort his platonic friend. And even then, it was a little gross. Because he was completely straight.

"I think..." Jared shook all over. "I think reading what they wrote...oh God, I think I caught the gay!"

Jensen swaggered to the bathroom to vomit again. Jared was his best friend in the world, but if he had caught the gay, they couldn't be friends anymore. Even if he was from Texas.

When he came back into the room, Jared was standing up again. "I know what we have to do," he said.

Jensen didn't like the look on Jared's face. "What do we have to do?"

"We have to touch man-parts, Jensen. It's the only way!"

Jensen tried to swagger back to the bathroom to throw up again, but Jared grabbed his arm. "I'm gay now, and I have to have sex with you!" Jensen punched his gay friend in the nose. Even THAT was gross. Jared punched him back, and Jensen was a little disturbed to find out that he liked that part. Then Jared grabbed Jensen and pushed him against the wall, kissing him hard. On the mouth. It was gross, but Jensen liked that, too.

"Oh God," he moaned when Jared stopped kissing him. "I think they made me gay, too!" So they took off their clothes and touched each other's man-parts and had gay sex. And even though it was really, really gross, they both liked it.

Later, they put their clothes back on, because their gross man-parts were still flopping around, and it reminded them that they had caught the gay.

"They ruined our lives," Jensen said, as one manly tear slid down his face. "If only one fan had been brave enough to stand up against the fanfic, this would never have happened!"

THE END.


Updated 6/20/08: Now with Wordle!



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Date: 2008-04-20 04:01 am (UTC)
sylvanwitch: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sylvanwitch
I think I love you just a little.

OMGs.

OMFGs.

This was just...priceless. All that swagger, and so little go... *grins hugely*

You rock!

Way to put the wank in context!

Date: 2008-04-20 04:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mistojen.livejournal.com
Okay, I'm one of the non-J2ers and I'm totally against Wincest, but THIS? Was funny as hell OMG! I can't stop giggling. Wow. Fucking awesome.

Date: 2008-04-20 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salinasvalley.livejournal.com
"We have to touch man-parts, Jensen. It's the only way!"

*falls over* So I usually just stay in my quiet little corner of fandom, but with the mini-commotion today I've sort of been lurking around and I just had to speak up to say that THIS killed me.

Date: 2008-04-20 04:16 am (UTC)
ext_14888: Yummy (Default)
From: [identity profile] angels3.livejournal.com
See I just had to go and read the origional post. Now I'm kind of pissed. I'm thinking that was a load of hot air.

I'm sure they've had worse things happen in their lives than people they don't know writing stories about them. Hello Hollywood will eat you alive.

Date: 2008-04-20 04:33 am (UTC)
minim_calibre: (Default)
From: [personal profile] minim_calibre
oh, god I think I caught the gay is going to burst out of my mouth at inappropriate times for months now, I just know it.

Date: 2008-04-20 04:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] je-suis.livejournal.com
I love that Jensen is polite enough to swagger to the bathroom to throw up, EVERY TIME. Other people might vomit on the spot, but not Jensen! He's got those TOTALLY STRAIGHT BOY Texas manners and wouldn't dare vomit on the floor. Ahahahaha. ♥

Date: 2008-04-22 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] triceybabe.livejournal.com
lol and when you think about it, its a totally 'gay' move! lol Straight boys don't have those good manners lol

Date: 2008-04-20 05:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-pkabyssin114.livejournal.com
Here from a rec from [livejournal.com profile] prettyfreckles. OMG, I think I ♥ you for this. *giggles*

If only one fan could have prevented this! The boys could have been spared the gay! This is a tragedy of monumental proportions. Oh noes!

Date: 2008-04-20 06:33 am (UTC)
ext_150: (Default)
From: [identity profile] kyuuketsukirui.livejournal.com
This is awesome. I just added "jensen's swaggering manliness" to my userinfo.

Date: 2008-04-20 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rivers-bend.livejournal.com
YOU WIN THE INTERNETZ!

*does dance of glee and joy*

this is hilarious and genius. and makes all my irritation worth while.

Date: 2008-04-20 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silverkit.livejournal.com
Gasp! Not the gay! There's no cure for the gay! Why do bad things happen to good/straight/manly/swaggering people! Why god why!?


=)

Date: 2008-04-20 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tabularassa.livejournal.com
LMFAO I thing I caught the gay tooo!!!!!! This is perfect:)

Date: 2008-04-20 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blacklid.livejournal.com
This is PERFECT.

Date: 2008-04-20 08:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] killerweasel.livejournal.com
lmao!

This was hysterical. :D

Date: 2008-04-20 08:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jeyhawk.livejournal.com
I have long suspected fanfic is like The Ring (or possibly more like The Hole the gay porn remake).

*giggles*

Date: 2008-04-20 09:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] growyourwings.livejournal.com
O.M.G! ROTFLMAO! I made the mistake of opening this late at night, in bed, with my hubby sleeping beside me. I had to stifle my guffaws into hissing sniggers to keep from waking him up. Way, way too funny.

Date: 2008-04-20 09:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bitterbird.livejournal.com
oh my LOLOL this is awesome!
you rock!

Date: 2008-04-20 09:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwendolynmstacy.livejournal.com
hahahaha.

win.

Date: 2008-04-20 10:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fleshflutter.livejournal.com
Just when I thought I couldn't love you more...

Date: 2008-04-20 11:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lexzilla.livejournal.com
Ha ha ha ha. That's so funny that even icon Jensen had to laugh.

Date: 2008-04-20 11:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] isisfrog.livejournal.com
May I have your astral babies? *bats eyelashes in a very girlie way*

Date: 2008-04-20 11:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] onci-dium.livejournal.com
That was so bad, it went right round the bend into being truly brilliant!

I felt for their manly selves being forced to do such gross things because the interweebs told them to!

squinted manfully Was it bad for that one moment Jensen became Clint Eastwood for me? He was so manly.

Date: 2008-04-20 01:07 pm (UTC)
ciaan: (cower in fear)
From: [personal profile] ciaan
OH MAN. THOSE POOR GUYS. I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THEM. IT MUST BE SO HARD LIVING UP TO STANDARDS OF MASCULINITY THAT MAKE YOU SWAGGER EVERYWHERE. AND THEN CATCHING THE GAY! YOU ARE EVIL.

Date: 2008-04-20 01:32 pm (UTC)
lj_stowaway: (Hee!)
From: [personal profile] lj_stowaway
*dies laughing*

You win everything ever.

Date: 2008-04-20 01:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_tayler/

LMAO...that was so very...gay!

*swaggers off to vomit*
♥♥♥
Edited Date: 2008-04-20 01:46 pm (UTC)

Date: 2008-04-20 01:51 pm (UTC)
ext_5650: Six of my favourite characters (Default)
From: [identity profile] phantomas.livejournal.com
LOL!
*high fives*
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