Mon221B

I had a stress dream last night in which I was back in college in marching band and the new director had told me personally that all band members needed to have all music memorized and I would not be allowed to have a flip folder on the field. And of course, being the anxious being that I am, I was freaking out because there was no way I was going to be able to memorize all of my part by the next performance (which was THAT DAY) and that I was apparently the only person out of a band with 250 members who was having trouble being able to keep up with the rules.

...

It's been 31 years since I was in marching band, y'all.

Seriously, brain -- what the fuck?

It's looking like I might not get to go to 221Bcon after all. I asked for PDO for the days of the con, but the new schedule came out yesterday and I'm scheduled to work that Saturday and Sunday. And the person who makes up the schedule is like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ despite that I emailed her on Feb. 3 to point out that I was putting in for PDO on those days, and then put in my request on the self-schedule itself.

So, I can theoretically go through the schedule and try to find people willing to swap days with me, but

1. Saturdays and Sundays are the hardest to try to swap off
2. It's two separate weeks because our work week begins on Sunday, so two weeks of different people I have to ask
3. I don't have everyone's phone numbers
4. It means I'll have to work three days leading up to the con, which I had planned to have off for:
a. getting that week's classwork done
b. getting ready for con
c. resting so as to have as many spoons available for con as possible
5. Asking for favors makes me very anxious
6. There's no guarantee anyone will say yes
7. I asked for the fucking PDO so I wouldn't have to do all of the above.

So, I'm just about ready to throw up my hands about the whole thing.

Edit: I got someone to swap shifts for me for Saturday! One more day to finagle...wish me luck, please!

I have to leave the house in a little while and, like, I really, really don't want to. On an intellectual level, I know it's just anxiety. But it feels overwhelming right now. I don't want people to see me. I don't want to have to act like I'm feeling just fine and dandy. But I have to go. I have to. And then I have to work Friday and Saturday, so figure 13 to 14 hours each day of having to be a normal person. What I'd really like to do is get in bed and stay there for several days. I know it sounds stupid, but I kind of wish I had the flu or something so I'd have a good reason to stay in bed for a good long time.

Ugh.

Okay, I have to get myself together now and go be a normal person.

*Request PDO for April 5-7 (check!)
*Hotel reservation (check!)
*Purchase con registration (check!)

Holy shit, I'm going to 221b Con!

Had two mentally and physically exhausting shifts at work* and I've got a roaring sinus infection cooking up, so my plan for the day is to sit in this chair, sip hot drinks, watch more The Handmaid's Tale and Read All the Things.


*note that the patients themselves were lovely; however, the patients' family members were an absolute nightmare, the pinnacle of which was one of them calling me every 10 minutes for almost two hours to complain about, among other things, the fact that there was "no pretty picture" hanging on the wall of the patient's new room (there was) and that I still hadn't brought the patient a fresh cup of ice chips (which was delayed each and every time I had to stop and answer her phone calls.)

EDIT: I should probably say that despite how much I may complain about my job, 98.7899 percent of the time I fucking love it. I get to do new and exciting things all the freaking time; I've been a nurse for nearly three years, and there are still new things for me to do and to learn. I don't think I can explain how satisfying that is to me. I love that I make a tangible difference in my patients' lives every single day. I love that I can make them more comfortable or help them get up to their chair or fix a non-functioning IV line or administer a unit of blood or bring them medicine to ease their pain or spot a problem before it becomes life-threatening. I fucking love that shit, y'all. There are some awful days, to be sure, but it's honestly the best job I can imagine.

Ugh, I just found out BC's Hamlet is playing nearby (at the university through which I'm getting my BSN) next Sunday, but I'll be working. If anyone needs me, I'll just be over here quietly sulking.

Here's why I would never be able to post a WIP fic.

I have an idea that I'm pleased with, and I'm going along writing, chuffed and frankly kind of amazed that the words are actually transferring to the doc for a change, four or five thousand words into some emotional hurt/comfort, when suddenly --

What if it's an a/b/o AU? Because then it could be emotional hurt/comfort complicated by the inherent consent issues of a/b/o and maybe a vehicle to explore gender roles. I could look at what an omega!John would look like, how he would be different from canon!John. What would his upbringing have been like? What if medical school and the military would never have been options for him? What would he have done with his intelligence and talents if they couldn't have been developed in that way? What if he was 'trained up' to believe his purpose was to raise children, make a home and support his spouse? Would he have to quash an inexplicable anger because he's never able to be what he's meant to be? Would that somehow explode, one day? And how in the world would Sherlock fit into that au? Would he be an alpha? A beta? What if they were both omegas? Could they ever work in that world?

And I'm going with that, kind of disappointed about some of the things that will have to change in my original fic but excited about the new ideas, when suddenly --

What if it's a more dystopian a/b/o AU? What if it's a sort of Handmaid's Tale crossover? Then I could examine the power dynamics of that world and --

Oh. Power dynamics. Maybe it's not a/b/o after all, but an AU where everybody is a dom or a sub, but subs are a tiny minority and the alphas of the world all want one but only the most rich and powerful can ever get one, so maybe the government decides it needs to take custody of unpaired subs 'for their own protection.' And then, of course, there's a seedy underworld black market where subs are bought and sold...

And then I'm more or less equally in love with all of these ideas and unsure of which way to go -- and will anyone want to read any of this? And does it matter if no one else but me ever reads it? And, well, yeah, it does matter, because omg I want someone to fall in love with these ideas along with me, but people who are far better writers than I am have done all of this before and far better than I can ever hope to do it. And wow, maybe all of this is way too complicated and I need to just pare things down a helluva lot and aim for something simpler that I can realistically make happen --

And that's why I can never, ever post a WIP.

Elderly patient: What do you mean, you don't have a charging cord for my 15-year-old Motorola flip phone that I can borrow? What kind of hospital is this?

Me, inside: The kind that isn't a Radio Shack.